Changing Roles for Men
I’ve been socked in by snow for almost a week after an uncharacteristically severe winter storm arrived in my area. We received almost 2 feet of snow in an area that typically receives either no snow or very little all winter. On top of that the city possesses very little in the way of snow equipment, so while the main thoroughfares were generally passable neighborhoods were not.
It’s interesting in times like these to sit back and see how people handle adversity. In my neighborhood for example, people were helping each other out with stuck vehicles and snow shoveling. There’s also the question of what happens when the lights go out or the water pipes freeze. Some people are more prepared than others. For example, I have a backup generator so that when the electricity goes off I can keep the freezer and refrigerator running. I can also keep the heat on.
My point in all this is that I spent a great deal of time concerned about my children and their mother who live across town. Whereas I am a “be prepared” kind of guy, my ex-wife is the exact opposite. I stayed in close touch by cell phone to make sure that they were warm, fed and safe. My friend John did similarly, at one point he shoveled for six hours to extricate his ex-wife’s van and also repaired her flat tire.
If my ex or the kids had needed anything I would have done whatever it took to make sure that they were cared for. Thinking about this situation over several days set me to thinking about roles and how much today’s culture has changed regarding men and expectations. It seems to me that once upon a time men had a much clearer place in American society. I don’t want to get into a discussion on the right or wrong of gender roles in history for this post. All I’m trying to say is, I think that there used to be more opportunity for your average guy to play the role of protector and provider. And I think in playing that role that we would be appreciated for our ability to care for our family.
In my own personal circumstance, I feel that I have many opportunities to disappoint with gender based shortcomings. Perhaps I don’t get out enough or perhaps I don’t listen well enough, perhaps I forgot to call or remember the milk, these sorts of things are almost clichés concerning men. I just have to wonder if these perceived shortcomings weren’t to some degree compensated for when I fixed the gutters in the rain, chopped the firewood, fixed the flat or performed some other generally male service (Yes, I’m well aware that many women are also very capable in this arena). I just feel like we guys don’t get many opportunities to be the White Knight anymore and perhaps balance the scales a bit.
I believe that the playing field has shifted. Today, I’m being taken to task not for being a “good guy” or someone you can count on in a pinch, no I’m taking hits for how well I meet a woman’s metaphysical expectations. I’m expected to communicate with women on their terms and meet their expectations in a way that frankly I’m having trouble keeping up with. Here’s a case in point:
Jake Gyllenhaal plays by Reese’s rules
“For Hollywood “it” couple Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, domestic bliss is simple, as long as they follow the rules. Reese’s rules, that is.”
I’m going to put a stop to this line of conjecture as I feel like I’m sliding towards a rant. I felt sorry for this guy to be portrayed in the press (albeit Tabloid) this way. In my own personal circumstance, it has been made very clear to me that I am considered “worthy” in certain things and “unworthy” in others. Laws were made (and no, I’m not talking about cussing in front of kids), and I was expected to conform to them. I feel that I made allowances for behaviors that I didn’t like, and yet did not receive this same consideration in return.
NEXT WEEK: Men and Feeling Needed.
Yo Marc… a very meaningful post.
I too felt the loss of my role when my wife packed it in. One incident in particular was that I always baited the fish hooks when we took the kids up to the family summer place.
My wife of the time could not stand to touch the bait. Yet, when she was ramping up for the walk-away, she baited a fish hook right in front of me. Sounds like a tiny thing yet I can still remember how it felt. And that was 7 years ago. It was symbolic though.
My new wife has no problem letting me be a man do most of the traditional man things. Especially since she was a single Mom for a number of years caring for kids, working a career, and maintaining a home all on her own.
When I first offered to cut the lawn she just about jumpped for joy. We cannot ignore the fact that men generally are built a certain way and are prone a certain way. And women are built and prone equally the way they are. We are more suited to certain tasks generally. There is nothing wrong with this.
Yet, there are no rules of firm line in the sand. Hey…. I do most of the cooking. I have european parents and my Dad always cooked. In fact I liked his cooking better than Mom’s and pattern my cooking after his.
My wife enjoys shovelling snow in driveway as a form of exercise (as long as it hasnt accumulated too much). She is into fitness and this gives her an avenue to work out while snowed out of the gym.
Anyway, I guess I am saying that I can relate to the loss of the man’s role in the family. It didnt help in my situatin that I was almost immediately replaced by another man. So I suppose your post rang some familiar memories and feelings for me.
Hope your having a good Christmas season.
Ciao. Chaz
Chaz
December 27, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Hi Chaz,
Thanks for the post pal. I always wonder when I’m writing if I’m even close to “making sense”. Your description of baiting hooks really captures what I was trying to say….
I don’t know if you’ll see this or not, but here’s a funny story. I’ve been walking the surreal paths of online dating over the last few months. You swap the pictures, you email a bit and then you typically meet for coffee.
Anyways, I met with this one gal who seemed really nice. We were talking, and the conversation seems to always get around to ex-es. I’m not complaining. I see understanding the past as key to doing things better the next time, so let’s share but not “over-share”.
So she’s talking about her marriage in a decently proactive way… I mean you bring up the points critically, but she wasn’t ranting in any way. So here’s the funny part.
She’s talking and I’m listening and all of the sudden I had this realization and started to laugh. It didn’t fit in with the current conversation and I definitely got “a look”. I quickly apologized and said that I wasn’t laughing at what she was saying, but rather at the fact that in listening to her as she described her ex and why she felt she had to “move on” I realized that she was basically describing me….
You should’ve seen the look on her face. “No!” she says. It’s true, I return.
And it was. The tragic thing about online dating is how many people you can be exposed to in a relatively short amount of time. Some would call that good, I think it can really work against you. What I have found in so many instances are very nice ladies who are looking for the magic only to be 3, 4, 5 years out of a marriage and discover that alot of us guys are generally similar.
I guess I should also say that I declined to pursue a relationship with her.
I’m really glad to hear that you have made a new life for yourself. My sense is that each of you appreciates the other and I’m friggin telling you that is THE fundamental. So easy to lose that…
Marc
Marc Malone
December 27, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Wise is the woman who knows and will let a man fulfill his God given roll in life.
Foolish is the one who thinks of her man as a hairy version of herself.
I think it is Alison Armstrong who I heard this from once in a podcast.
Great Post.
Des
December 27, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Ya Marc…. online dating. That is a tricky one.
I eventually met my new wife by a professional introduction service for… well… for busy professionals.
It really cut through a lot of the superficial bs that goes on with dating. And also validates some of the claims people make about themselves. For instance heigh, weight, and build.
They also did a psych profile match. It came at a cost but well worth it. Online dating seemed to be full of misrepresentations. Not to say it cant work because I know of happy marriages that have resulted from it.
Also… the point you make about ex-talk. I totally relate. I was still in a lot of pain and turmoil when I met my new W and she felt the competition with the memory of my ex. She is also a woman who just naturally wants to be my #1 which is completely fair. So when there is any presence of another woman, even though it was my ex who ran off with another man, she found it challenging.
It really wasnt until my new wife met my ex-wife that things got better. New wife experienced first hand how cruel and mean ex-wife could be. She stopped fearing that I had residual feelings for her.
In fact, I think my ex-wife meeting my new wife was just as tough for ex. New wife is taller and frankly has a much more striking presence. Probably intimidated the hell out of ex. Whatever.
Anyway…. this stuff does all get better. Accept all the support you are offered. Be realistic with your emotional timeline. Dont be affraid to have a rebound relationship. I had a couple of flings with unrealistic women and it was good in helping me narrow down what I really wanted.
See ya on the blogs.
Ciao.
ChaZ
Chaz
December 27, 2008 at 4:26 pm
PS… didnt see sex in the city magaizing pic there before. Funny, my wife and I are systematically watching the whole series. We had never seen it when it was current and wanted to know what all the rage was about.
One thing I keep observing about the show…. all the women are actually looking for commited, monogamous relationships…. even marriage.
So with all of the stuff that they go through. All the dating, games, sex…. they are still looking for what traditional values lead us to. And in the movie, 3 of the 4 are either married or getting married. Only exception being sex-addict chick who still wants to boink everthing in sight.
In any case, I find it a very telling show.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz
December 27, 2008 at 4:30 pm