Why Women Divorce Men

“Fact: Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved.” Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.”(Popenoe, W1)

The 2/3rds statistic is one I have yet to see contradicted anywhere and one that was also mentioned by my divorce book (Margulies, B1, Pg. 7).  It was news to me four years ago when I read Margulies.  I was powerfully affected by the Margulies quote that I mentioned in my first Introductory post.  Popenoe asserts that the higher rate of women initiators is “probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved”.

I’m not disagreeing with Popenoe, at least not yet, but my own personal experience is much, much more in line with Margulies.  I wonder what the statistic is on “bad behavior” vs “not happy”. 

In my personal sphere I have 8 male friends that I have known for over 15+ years.  Of those 8, six have married.  Of those 6, three have been on the receiving end of divorce along with me.  Of the remaining three, one is in what I would consider a reasonably solid relationship, and one is probably going to be divorced quite soon.  The last was told that his wife was leaving him, but they have since reconciled and seem to be communicating much better.  In general, all of my friends are “good men”.  Of course we all contributed to things, and of course we all have flaws, but I think that Margulies applies to each of us.

I think that the circumstances of marriage have changed.  Think the advent of the no-fault divorce or the emergence of improvements in women’s economic capability.  There are many of these aspects to consider (later).  I’m reminded of a statistic I read somewhere that 70% of the books in this country are purchased by women.  Another one said that the average guy reads two books a year.

I think that the expectations of women are changing rapidly in the historical sense of things and I further think that we “good men” are not keeping up with the reading.  Hell, I am way beyond typical when it comes to reading, and I still look back at the role I was playing and say, “WTF!” 

Husband, Father, Family mediator, Fixer, Provider, Organizer; I had a lot of titles and I remember feeling very tired most of the time.  I wasn’t really challenging the perspective and roles that I observed growing up.  It’s worthwhile to examine perspectives and roles (later), but for the time being I’ll simply alert the guys out there that rightly or wrongly, for better or worse your wives and girlfriends are spending a lot of time thinking about your relationship.

Rightly or wrongly, my outlook says that as she gets closer to her mid-thirties she is going to take a serious look at whether or not you are “the one” for the long haul.  She’s talking with her friends, and I wonder how many of them have left “good men”. 

Something to think about…….