Why Women Divorce Men

• Women M.B.A.s More Likely To Divorce Than Men – Wall St. Journal Article. 

Summary:  Women with M.B.A.s are twice as likely to get divorced or separated as their male counterparts. The picture isn’t much rosier for women with law or medical degrees.  Here’s a link to the report by the author, Robin Wilson.

• Men Prefer Being Solo Over a Bad Marriage – Reuters Article.

Summary: Weisman, 49, conducted a survey of 1,533 heterosexual men to research a book aiming to give women an insight into why some smart, successful men opted to stay single — and help lifelong bachelors understand why they are still the solo man at parties.

• The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce At Midlife and Beyond – AARP.

Summary: Many midlife events cause turmoil. Children leave the nest, a major illness comes, a parent passes on–and for some, divorce ends a long marriage. This report is the first of its kind to document what has become a common experience among midlife and older adults. It examines the circumstances surrounding divorce at midlife and it impact on men and women. The report also discusses coping behaviors, well-being after divorce, and sexuality.

I’ve been socked in by snow for almost a week after an uncharacteristically severe winter storm arrived in my area. We received almost 2 feet of snow in an area that typically receives either no snow or very little all winter. On top of that the city possesses very little in the way of snow equipment, so while the main thoroughfares were generally passable neighborhoods were not.

It’s interesting in times like these to sit back and see how people handle adversity. In my neighborhood for example, people were helping each other out with stuck vehicles and snow shoveling. There’s also the question of what happens when the lights go out or the water pipes freeze. Some people are more prepared than others. For example, I have a backup generator so that when the electricity goes off I can keep the freezer and refrigerator running. I can also keep the heat on.

My point in all this is that I spent a great deal of time concerned about my children and their mother who live across town. Whereas I am a “be prepared” kind of guy, my ex-wife is the exact opposite. I stayed in close touch by cell phone to make sure that they were warm, fed and safe. My friend John did similarly, at one point he shoveled for six hours to extricate his ex-wife’s van and also repaired her flat tire.

If my ex or the kids had needed anything I would have done whatever it took to make sure that they were cared for. Thinking about this situation over several days set me to thinking about roles and how much today’s culture has changed regarding men and expectations. It seems to me that once upon a time men had a much clearer place in American society. I don’t want to get into a discussion on the right or wrong of gender roles in history for this post. All I’m trying to say is, I think that there used to be more opportunity for your average guy to play the role of protector and provider. And I think in playing that role that we would be appreciated for our ability to care for our family.

In my own personal circumstance, I feel that I have many opportunities to disappoint with gender based shortcomings. Perhaps I don’t get out enough or perhaps I don’t listen well enough,  perhaps I forgot to call or remember the milk, these sorts of things are almost clichés concerning men. I just have to wonder if these perceived shortcomings weren’t to some degree compensated for when I fixed the gutters in the rain, chopped the firewood, fixed the flat or performed some other generally male service (Yes, I’m well aware that many women are also very capable in this arena).  I just feel like we guys don’t get many opportunities to be the White Knight anymore and perhaps balance the scales a bit.

I believe that the playing field has shifted.  Today, I’m being taken to task not for being a “good guy” or someone you can count on in a pinch, no I’m taking hits for how well I meet a woman’s metaphysical expectations.  I’m expected to communicate with women on their terms and meet their expectations in a way that frankly I’m having trouble keeping up with.  Here’s a case in point:

Jake Gyllenhaal plays by Reese’s rules

“For Hollywood “it” couple Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, domestic bliss is simple, as long as they follow the rules. Reese’s rules, that is.”

I’m going to put a stop to this line of conjecture as I feel like I’m sliding towards a rant.  I felt sorry for this guy to be portrayed in the press (albeit Tabloid) this way.  In my own personal circumstance, it has been made very clear to me that I am considered “worthy” in certain things and “unworthy” in others.  Laws were made (and no, I’m not talking about cussing in front of kids), and I was expected to conform to them.  I feel that I made allowances for behaviors that I didn’t like, and yet did not receive this same consideration in return.

NEXT WEEK: Men and Feeling Needed. 

“Fact: Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved.” Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.”(Popenoe, W1)

The 2/3rds statistic is one I have yet to see contradicted anywhere and one that was also mentioned by my divorce book (Margulies, B1, Pg. 7).  It was news to me four years ago when I read Margulies.  I was powerfully affected by the Margulies quote that I mentioned in my first Introductory post.  Popenoe asserts that the higher rate of women initiators is “probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved”.

I’m not disagreeing with Popenoe, at least not yet, but my own personal experience is much, much more in line with Margulies.  I wonder what the statistic is on “bad behavior” vs “not happy”. 

In my personal sphere I have 8 male friends that I have known for over 15+ years.  Of those 8, six have married.  Of those 6, three have been on the receiving end of divorce along with me.  Of the remaining three, one is in what I would consider a reasonably solid relationship, and one is probably going to be divorced quite soon.  The last was told that his wife was leaving him, but they have since reconciled and seem to be communicating much better.  In general, all of my friends are “good men”.  Of course we all contributed to things, and of course we all have flaws, but I think that Margulies applies to each of us.

I think that the circumstances of marriage have changed.  Think the advent of the no-fault divorce or the emergence of improvements in women’s economic capability.  There are many of these aspects to consider (later).  I’m reminded of a statistic I read somewhere that 70% of the books in this country are purchased by women.  Another one said that the average guy reads two books a year.

I think that the expectations of women are changing rapidly in the historical sense of things and I further think that we “good men” are not keeping up with the reading.  Hell, I am way beyond typical when it comes to reading, and I still look back at the role I was playing and say, “WTF!” 

Husband, Father, Family mediator, Fixer, Provider, Organizer; I had a lot of titles and I remember feeling very tired most of the time.  I wasn’t really challenging the perspective and roles that I observed growing up.  It’s worthwhile to examine perspectives and roles (later), but for the time being I’ll simply alert the guys out there that rightly or wrongly, for better or worse your wives and girlfriends are spending a lot of time thinking about your relationship.

Rightly or wrongly, my outlook says that as she gets closer to her mid-thirties she is going to take a serious look at whether or not you are “the one” for the long haul.  She’s talking with her friends, and I wonder how many of them have left “good men”. 

Something to think about…….

I sit holding a copy of Sam Margulies’ “A Man’s Guide to A Civilized Divorce” with the following passage staring at me from within it’s pages.  And I quote:

“My husband here is a good man and a good father.  He has been an upstanding member of  the community and a good provider.  He has not deserted me, has not abused me, has not been unfaithful, and has been a good friend.  But I want a divorce.  I have simply fallen out of love and I am not happy on the marriage.  my husband just can’t communicate with me the way I need.  he doesn’t understand my need for intimacy and just can’t communicate his feelings or respond deeply to mine.  Before I’m too old I want another chance to find someone with whom I can connect, someone who can be my soul mate and can understand me the way I need to be understood.  I just can’t imagine living this way for another 20 years.” 

“That’s why I want a divorce.” (Margulies, B1, Pg. 7)

I’ve never found a portion of my life expressed quite so succinctly or accurately, but the truth of it was that I am a “good man” and I am divorced.  Rather unwillingly.

I’m not alone.  Generally speaking, 2/3rd of divorces these days are initiated by women.

This effort is not meant to be a rant against women.  I like women.  This blog isn’t about bemoaning the condition I’ve journeyed through of late either, but rather of my effort to understand how the choices that I and others made lead me here.  While I knew that I was in a rocky patch, I was genuinely surprised when my wife told me she was leaving me.  What a difference time and perspective make.

What I really hope is that by illuminating this issue we manage to help some other “good man” engage with his wife and save his marriage.

So, here we are and here I am.  It’s my plan to explore some of what I am learning from my own efforts and from conversation with a fairly good sized circle of friends, both male and female. I’ll apologize in advance if my posts lack focus or if my use of punctuation sucks.  I’ll work to improve both as I go along.

If you are a new visitor, please click on “Archives” so you can start from the beginning (December ‘08).  That helps provide some background and hopefully, some insight as well. 

I hope you will come and visit again, as I will be adding new chronicles weekly. Please pass this blog around to anyone and everyone, as we can all benefit from tossing these questions around!  Also, please share your comments on the blog.  Your email address is not made public and I am the only one who can view it as the administrator of the site.    To avoid unsolicited spam in your inbox, do not provide your email address within your comments when you leave comments.  If you wish to contact me directly, please feel free to do so at my email address below.

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